Tales of Fluffy the Albino and Sometimes Toy Cat
by Centauri Cruxis Angel
Summary: Read this if you want if you want to hear a...'tale' on Lloyd & Co. Read this if you want a story where Kratos takes his shirt off... Just READ it, dammit!
1. Default Chapter

**Tales of Fluffy, the Albino (and Sometimes Toy) Cat…Nah, Only Kidding!**

**By Centauri Cruxis Angel and Cruxis Gypsy**

**Centauri Cruxis Angel:** If you want to know what this fanfic is going to be about please read on. But just note, **_'MAJOR-RIFIC SPOILERS!' _**inside on all characters from Yuan to the Mystery Chef and many other very strange people who you have not probably heard of in Tales of Symphonia before.

It basically tells of Lloyd and Co.'s exciting…oh bugger it, all crazy and weird stuff happens on this certain adventure with X-tra crud side quests, which weren't mentioned. Why you ask? ...Because they were crud.

Many things happen such as the girls in the group revolt and take Kratos as their 'prisoner', and start a crazed Amazonian cult. Raine eats the wrong type of mushroom and declares herself as Xena's rightful heir. Zelos gets mauled by demented Chipmunks and Prairie Dogs and makes hilarious, yet perverted statements. Lloyd stands on a clichéd and corny hill, with wind blowing thraough his hair and discovers he has very informative dreams. Mithos finds his true clling as a choir singer and forces Yuan and Kratos to join him. Genis becomes the Messiah of the Katz, and threatens to make a Java Coffee uprising. Presea plans a mission for an unmanned Rheiard to bomb the Tower of Salvation, and take care of those pesky angels once and for all. Sheena decides to make a sacred pact with the Summon Spirit of Kitchen Utensils. The truth is found out about Regal's 'true' murder victim. Yuan gets (almost) mugged for his hair and has a sugar rush. My best friend, (almost) mugs Yuan for his hair and makes informative comments. Colette gets abducted by rouge Unicorns and has to escape their cud-chewing plans of world domination. Kratos finds wood, then realises how dangerous that stuff can be, and gets worshiped as a god.

The gang run into a 'Rhu-Tastic®' seller, a strange, spring worshiping cult, Mic Ronalds®, the fast-food giants of 'Tales of Symphonia' and Magical Mushrooms. They find out about the Mystery Gourmet Wonder Chef's real identity, the secret base of the Unicorns and their secret alliance with the Pengnuists', and play a Roman name game.

They all get lost more than once and many are kidnapped, whether it is for a cult, choir, critturs, or Cruxis. Squirrel hunting becomes a handy thing to know and elves lie about their ages.

So if this little starter still hasn't made you bat an eyelid, go read a soppy ToS fanfic about love and romance. Yuck! They're okay to read sometimes, but when a true piece of classic work like this is written, it's not to turn up against 'A heart-warming tale of young love, between Lloyd and Colette' or 'Can Kratos finally open his heart to love again?' I mean, come on! Lloyd's oblivious and Kratos couldn't give a bum!

Kratos: I love Anna! (Throws Flamberge) I am loyal, damn it!

Centauri Cruxis Angel: I know you do! Damn But we like to have fun with you!

Kratos: …I'm…scared…

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Don't worry. …Just don't read R rated Fanfics, especially 'Rain'…

Kratos: What's so bad about rain?

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Err…It's not the rain…it's more what you DO in the rain…with Raine.

Kratos: Goes white …An…cough…what do I do with Raine…?

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Let's just say that what this person has made you do wouldn't make Genis happy.

Kratos: …Oh………… Children these days are far too knowledgeable about this stuff… In my day we didn't actually know how to do it until we were doing it… But then that brought up problems… we didn't exactly know where to go…

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Ewwww!

Kratos: What?

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Uhh…um…hee hee!

Kratos: …

Centauri Cruxis Angel: …And don't go near any that say; RXK, RXRXK, SXK or say Kraine or Kreena and especially LXK, and ZXK those are icky. Or say 'Kratos gives in to his sins' or 'Kratos takes what he desires (forced or un-forced)', 'Kratos has fun', or 'It started with a kiss…' okay?

Kratos: Humph…Fine.

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Good lad. This fanfic isn't like those.

Kratos: Yay! Err…Umm…I mean…good.

Centauri Cruxis Angel: It's weirder.

Kratos: Damn!

**Chapter Guide:**

Intro…Other Stuff, Rhubarb, Rhubarb…Spanking…ew! Other Worthless Dribble

Concerning Kratos

I NEED WOOD!

Xena Returns… Sorry it's Raine

Sacrifices, Sex Gods, and Sporks

Nightmares can be Extremely Instructive(Especially in Cheesy Stories like This)

Fours a Party, Sixteens the Square of It

Be It Ever So Corny

Deadius Corpius, of the Ninth Legion

For Some Reason, Sporks Figure Prominently in This Story

Genis Sage and the Coffee Shop

Attack of the Hairballs

Who Killed the Wonder Chef?

Buying Secrets

Head Hunters

The Tragic Tale of the Welegian Boy's Choir

Zelos and the Randy Rabid Rabbits (and Other Small Fluffy Creatures)

Call Me Horny

Village of the Elfy Guys (Their Ages All could be Lies)

We Know What You Did in the Beginning…

Call of the Wild

**more to come… **

**1.-Intro…Other Stuff, Rhubarb, Rhubarb…Spanking…ew! Other Worthless Dribble-**

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Hahaha! This is my first 'ToS' fanfic, but I think I'm gonna enjoy writing it!

Kratos: Oh, great. She'll probably just make me take my top off somewhere in it…

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Drool

Presea: Kratos…is going to take his top off?

Raine: What! Um, I mean…Look! That ruin over there…It's so…old…and informative…

Sheena: Huh, yeah right, She just wanted to see Kratos with his shirt off

Presea: Oh

Raine: I HEARD THAT!

Kratos: Err…

Zelos: Don't worry my beautiful hunnies! I'll take mine off anytime for your womanly needs!

Everyone: …

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Err…we'll put a rain-check on that Zelos.

Zelos: Anytime, just remember I want some sort of payment, maybe a kiss?

Sheena: What about a Liverpool Kiss, with extra hurt?

Zelos: Ouch, you wound me deep Sheena…

Genis: Not as much as the time she gave you a stealth wedgie…Hahaha!

Zelos: Uhh, come here!

Genis: Ahhhh! Raine!

Colette: Please everyone calm down!

Genis: javajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajava……

Raine: Who gave Genis more coffee?

Lloyd: I only thought he had two cups this morning?

Kratos: Opps. I gave him some.

Regal: Same.

Mithos: No one said that he was addicted!

Yuan: I don't think I should have given him permission to use Renegade coffee maker.

Presea: Or give him an… industrial amount… of coffee beans.

Zelos: Hyper is just his normal self.

Genis: Hey!

Regal: I think we should move out of the way Presea, this might turn ugly.

Genis: Like Zelos.

Zelos: Brat!

Lloyd: Come on everyone! She needs to read the disclaimer! Ow! Professor! Why did you hit me?

Raine: You should have said!

Lloyd: …Man…Please hurry up Sam…

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Only my companions can call me by that name!

Lloyd: Ow!

Mithos: Hey that's my line!

Centauri Cruxis Angel: …

(Sound of rapid footsteps and a door opening)

Cruxis Gypsy: MUST HAVE HAIR!

Yuan: Aaahhhhhggggggg!

Cruxis Gypsy: No! Come back here Yuan!

Yuan: Not until you put that "'Close-Trim' electric razor" down!

Cruxis Gypsy: Damn! I…just need your hair! I love it!

Yuan: Can't I just give you the name of my hair stylist?

Cruxis Gypsy: Sigh It isn't the same. I need to take my anger out on something…

Lloyd: Ow!

Cruxis Gypsy: Hee hee! Your hair's cute Lloyd!

Lloyd: That doesn't make up for the sore arm…

Cruxis Gypsy: Oh well! I'm writing some chapters of his too!

Lloyd: Is it 'Beat Lloyd Day'?

Cruxis Gypsy: Maybe.

Colette: Are you fun to spank, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Ummm…I dunno.

Colette: Let me try!

Lloyd: No!

Colette: On your bum, hee hee!

Everyone: …

Zelos: Lucky bastard.

Cruxis Gypsy: I'm scared…

Centauri Cruxis Angel: I'm scared too!

Kratos: If you are **under 13 years of age **please, _please_, for your own sake, stop reading this and run out the room. Also don't tell your mommy and daddy about what you just read… They already know.

Centauri Cruxis Angel Cruxis Gypsy: Yay! We're both 15!

Lloyd: How do you know dad?

Kratos: …Shared 'man' stories…

Zelos: Tut tut! Heheheh. I don't think so! Cough-naughtywithanna-cough.

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Err, this 'spanking' talk is getting awkward. And Zelos might start telling dirty jokes…

Kratos: Tell me about it…

Lloyd: Uh oh…

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Disclaimer time!

**Disclaimer: I do own Kratos' underwear and Yuan's hair stylist…opps, err, I mean we don't own Tales of Symphonia, AND/OR any brands of coffee drunk during this. All copied lines, scenes, and all stuff, etc…We don't own and never have.**

Kratos: My underwear?

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Sorry Kratos, just aslip of the tongue, note to self: keep fantasies** to** self!

Kratos: What was that? I didn't hear…

Centauri Cruxis Angel: N…Nothing!

Lloyd: Hey Kratos, didn't you say that you were missing some boxers the other day?

Kratos: Yeah, does anyone know anything about their whereabouts?

Sheena, Raine, Presea, Centauri Cruxis Angel, and Mithos: NO!

Kratos: You don't have to shout!

Sheena, Raine, Presea, Centauri Cruxis Angel, and Mithos: O…o…okay.

Colette: Come on everyone! I want to listen to this Fanfic.

Centauri Cruxis Angel Cruxis Gypsy: Thanks Colette!

Zelos: I'm interested in the chapter 'Sacrifices, Sex Gods, and Sporks'. I know it's gonna be about me of course! It's so hard to contain ones' sexiness!

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Uhh… You'll just have to wait and see Zelos…

Sheena: For some reason I don't think its going to be Zelos…

Cruxis Gypsy: How did you guess?

Zelos: Aww…

Centauri Cruxis Angel: I'm starting…

Regal: I think we are going to regret this…

Raine: 'Xena Returns…?'

Lloyd: Guys…RR this okay? …Please?


	2. 2 Concerning Kratos

**Tales of Fluffy, the Albino (and Sometimes Toy) Cat…Nah, Only Kidding!**

**By Centauri Cruxis Angel and Cruxis Gypsy**

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Oh yeah! Its chapter 2; 'Concerning Kratos'!

Kratos: Groan

Zelos: Hey! What about me!

All Girls: Yay! No Zelos! He he he!

Lloyd: Ha haw!

Genis: Serves him right!

Cruxis Gypsy: I declare this day… 'NO ZELOS Day!'

Zelos: Humph. Sob

**Disclaimer: We do not own 'ToS' or Derris Kharlan, Kratos' underwear, acorns, oak trees or anything slightly Nintendo, except owning a registered copy of most of their hardware ie. Gamecube, Gameboy Advance SP, N64. Yet the dream that Kratos has is entirely his own and 'Squirrel Fishing' is made up by Zelos. **

**2.-Concerning Kratos-**

_Kratos had been living and breathing in angel infested, big blob of Mana, known as Derris Kharlan for many, many thousands of…days (CCA CG: We're not being accurate because we don't give a stuff.)(Kratos: Hey!)(CCA CG: Live with it)._

_He was content to be arrogant, rude, pompous, patronising, wear nothing else than boxers in the morning and scratch his arse freely, and go days without showering, to the unholy, unclean, and ugly beings of the worlds below._

_The other worlds being filled with smelly and downright dumb people, Ie. Zelos, Kratos saw himself as a great importance to himself and the worlds, being of the very strong and wise sort. _

_But it was known that he was uninterested in the worlds below, a rather unfair observation because he also had a keen interest in spiting off the Tower, bungee jumping and the occasional mortal scaring._

_Though where his heart truly lay, was in his curiosity (wink, wink). Because he remembered his love of humanity._

_To others his ways seemed angelic and enigmatic…_

'Nooo! Don't wanna go to school!' Lloyd poked the sleeping Kratos again. 'Anna…not again…I'm too tired…tomorrow…okay…' Noishe trotted over and started vigorously cleaning Kratos' ear with a long pink tongue, probably avidly wishing for finding a tasty treat in the angels' lug-hole. It was the seventh and longest day that the group had been lost. Lloyd had repeatedly tried to tell the group that he knew where they were, but they had caught him out trying to make a signal-flare with a match, Raines original recipe curry and his rubber band collection.

'Mmmm…no…stop it you naughty girl…ohhh…' Kratos moaned and dreamed some unthinkable dream as Noishes' tongue tried to lick the air coming from Kratos' mouth, and failed miserably, except for licking in his mouth. Lloyd sighed. The idea of buying that map of the secret location of some long forgotten summon spirit, had seemed good at the time. He had haggled for sometime with that shady looking guy and finally came to the price of Genis for the map, but then came to a easier resolve, a Martel Statue signed by both the Chosen in the group. 'He was so convincing though…' The guy had talked in rhymes, worn a long black coat…and a dead racoon on his head, cleverly disguised as a toupee. So? How was he to know that he was a looney? They had left the Rheairds' in the infamous Meltokio parking lot, a hangout of local vandals and petrol stealers and headed off into the wilderness to the east. From then on they had played eye-spy 400 times, played 'Naughts and Crosses' 950 times, played 'Guess my Facial Expression', sang 'The Song that Never Ends' (it ended when Sheena tried to shove a pinecone down Zelos' throat) and eaten all their food due to Raines botched attempts to cook, then resorted to Zelos' plan of 'Squirrel Fishing', done by tying an acorn to a piece of string and mentally taunting squirrels with this treat. They would then lie in wait, until they took the bait then…BAM, straight into the cook pot! So far, it was unsuccessful.

Kratos had started to wake up. 'Uhh……what the…Noishe! Bad Protozoan…Ughh…' Kratos began to sit up and spit the excess animal saliva from his mouth. Kratos was dazed because of the lack of squirre…I mean, food and sleep. 'Lloydie…go get daddy some breakie…okay? Mpphh…' Kratos plomped back onto the ground in a dazed stupor and started to snore like a wild pig, wings vibrating with the force of each manly snort. Lloyd got up and searched for his forest-fevered companions. A shout came from around a clichéd large tree blocking his view. 'Hold 'im steady…NO! He's getting away!' Lloyd watched his friends' desperation as they tried to rein in the wild furry creature. 'No!' Sheena's string slipped out of her hands as the squirrel gnawed its way through Regals' and Preceas' strings, then made a blood-lusty jump at Zelos' pants. 'NNNOOOOOOOOOO!' Zelos tried to run, but the squirrel was over the edge now, and had acquired the taste of human. It zipped with un-squirrel like speed it latched itself onto Zelos' face, gnawing the very end of his nose. 'Aggghhhhh! Not the face!' Zelos grappled with the tree-dwelling rat and just managed to chuck it onto a nearby branch, where the squirrel made an obscene gesture with a paw and went on its way. 'Oh well, there always next time!' Chimed a too cheerful Colette, most probably fuelled by Genis' coffee supply. 'Gahh! That was the tenth time!' Zelos held up nine fingers with rage while Raine gave him a rabies jab for his mauled shnoz. 'The percent of us catching a squirrel; 98. The chance of us catching us catching one of these particular squirrels, mentally and physically boosted by the coffee rations stolen from us; 2.5' Said Presea sadly. Genis groaned. 'How was I supposed to know that they could use can openers?' Raine whacked the back of his head. 'Well…you…you were'. The group were also missing a few IQ points from their, as Raine defined it, _Squirrel Dementius Nuttousis_.

'Hey guys' Lloyd chose his words carefully. A group of irritated adolescences and adults with relatively sharp weapons and unchanged underwear were not a bunch to annoy, especially after a failed squirrel wrangle. Zelos sat down and picked leaves and acorns out of his woman-like hair and pouted. Lloyd took another breath. 'It's about Kratos'. This caught all female attention in an instant.

'What about him?' Asked Genis as he sharpened the pointy end on his Kendama with some sand paper. The end result was enough to make any 'toy safety for children' regulator faint. 'Well I don't think he's holding up his end of the squirrel hunting,' Lloyd looked around the group. 'I think we should vote him out tonight at tribal council.' Melodramatic shock resonated from the group. The presenter guy from 'Survivor' walked in from some unbeknownst area of leaves and said,

'Could this shock revelation be too much for team Symphonia? Could I ever be more annoying? Can Kratos somehow forge an allegiance with the women of the group and turn the tables and vote off Zelos instead? Can Kratos finally start contributing to the group and gain the favour of everyone? Does my bum look big in these kaki-tan pants of mine? Blah blahblah blah blaby? Will I ever lose this melodramatic voice…?' Genis quickly threw his Kendama at the man and knocked him unconscious. The team then tied acorns into his hair and stood back to watch a 150 squirrel strong elite-squad drag him up the tree to take him to their secret tree base, and store him for winter. The poor guy was most likely to not reappear until the next season of 'Survivor' (most probably coming very soon). The group then headed over to where Kratos was sleeping, but all was forgotten when they did reach him. Kratos' wild pig snores had attracted some very plump wild pigs.

'Mine!' 'No! Mine' 'Grrr!' as Kratos and Lloyd fought over the last piece of the a la 'Porker on Poker', both with an appendage of the roasted boar in their mouths and pulling at it like rabid dogs, the rest of the group decided where they would head next. 'Sister Suzie's Saucy Secrets!' yelled Zelos excitedly. 'We should ditch this and go straight to Altamira, for some…fun…' Zelos dragged out the 'n' and looked unashamedly at Sheena's…well, let's just say, he wasn't looking at her face. 'No!' said Raine and hit Zelos hard on the back of the head, knocking his monocle out of his eye. Zelos had been trying all sorts of new things to make himself more appeaseable to women, such as today, more 'sophisticated' with a 'free gift' in his cereal, a monocle. 'Hey!' Zelos whined as he picked up the coloured plastic circle and placed it infront of his eye again. Raine ignored Zelos' pleas for attention to the problem at hand. 'We have two options, keep going or turn back'. 'What about…' 'NO! Zelos…We are NOT going there!' Zelos began sucking his thumb. Sheena looked disappointed, 'I need to make a pact…That's what I do, and insult Zelos!' Regal nodded, pretending to be listing but actually reminiscing about Alicia. '…So what do you think Regal? Regal?' Regal jumped, 'Umm…err…ahhh…I think…pepperoni sounds good…' Raine rubbed eyes. Weren't there any sensible men around anymore? Her question was answered as Lloyd's eyes grew wide and pointed in fear, his finger aiming at something behind the group, 'Mi…Mithos in the nuddy!' Chaos broke lose as people screamed and soiled themselves in fear of seeing the too feminine half-elf full Monty and enjoying it. Kratos made a quick and well practiced dive into his sleeping bag and started shaking violently, remembering the terror of him walking around Derris Kharlan in the same way. Genis and Presea ran as fast as their short legs could go and hid behind a large object; Zelos' head, which he had hid under his fuzzy teddy, Mr. Snuffles. Raine grabbed a copy of 'Crumbly Buildings You' and shielded her face. Sheena summoned Gnome and hid behind his sizeable bulk. Gnome tried to cover his eyes but unfortunately his arms were too short, so instead he knocked himself out with his shovel in his panic. Regal covered his eyes within his long bangs and stayed perfectly still, knowing that if he didn't move, Mithos wouldn't see him. Hopefully.

Several minutes passed silent of pant-wetting fear. It was the same feeling that you get if you have to watch the movie 'Ghostworld' and all its brain numbing boredom for a second time. Kratos slowly and carefully popped his head out of the sleeping bag with one eye closed. At least if Mithos was there, only one of his retinas would blind with horror. 'Hey! Mithos isn't there!' Kratos jumped out and did a dramatic finger point at Lloyd. 'Neh, nuh, n, nn, nnn, nnnnnnnnnnnn…' Kratos' arm was moving that fast that Lloyd got dizzy just watching it. 'LLOYD!' Kratos then gasped as he realised what Lloyd had done. He had eaten then rest of the pig. 'Damn!' said Kratos. Lloyd smiled evilly. 'Opps! It must have been taken of by a rare Mouldy Sausage.' Kratos gave his son his 4000-year old, perfected 'Eval Eye', but it evil 'eval eye' missed and hit Genis, making him fly into a rather muddy mud puddle. Raine quickly battered both of them with her magazine. 'Enough messing around!' As she passed a magazine-dazed Kratos she tried to get her hand down his pants, but then realised that this was too much in the open and there was lots of witnesses. She then noted it to herself for future attempts.

The group again sat down in a wonky shaped circle, more shaped like a square and formulated a plan. 'I think we should send either Colette or Kratos to fly back to Meltokio and get supplies. The other angel stays with us and flies overhead scouting our position with the map. We should then split up into teams; _delta veda_, _johnny bravo _and_ death star _and nominate a team leader. The team leader must then pick one other person in their group and find other resources…' By now Raines' lecture on travelling 'tactics' was taking its toll on most of the members of the group, because Lloyd couldn't feel his legs anymore. 'So which angle…' 'Angel' 'Yeah I knew that… should go?' The women instantly knew who they wanted to stay, 'Colette should go…because…she's…the Chosen!' said Sheena eyeing Kratos. 'He he hee! I'm gonna have fun!' Colette went cross-eyed with glee. '…Um. Are you really sure that Colette should go instead of m…' Kratos never had a chance to finish as Presea said, 'Kratos, the percent of Colette making it to Meltokio and back, has a lot higher percent than yours because…err… you're a…bigger target to…Acid-Sneezing Dragons and rabid Flying Sausages.' The girls nodded together in unison, all sizing up Kratos, except Colette who was watching sugar-plums and pixies line-dance infront of her eyes.

'Well okay then…' Kratos knew something bad was going to happen as soon as he had a foreboding feeling of doom as Colette, cheered on by her companions, flew in a direct beeline into a tree. 'It jumped infront of me!' laughed Colette as she finally, after many hitches got above tree-level. Kratos gulped back a feeling of nausea.

Kratos: That's it?

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Umm, yeah. Unless you count the other 20+ chapters we've wrote.

Kratos: Sigh It was about 'squirrel hunting'. I rest my case.

Cruxis Gypsy: Sheesh…Grum-py.

Lloyd: I thought it was great! I love the part when the squirrel goes for Zelos!

Zelos: Hey!

Sheena: Same!

Regal: It…It was…certainly different…

Centauri Cruxis Angel Cruxis Gypsy: Just wait 'till chapter three! MUHAAHAAHAA!

Everyone: …

Cruxis Gypsy: I encourage you to RR these! It makes a difference! We also need donations too… Hahaha!


	3. 3 I NEED WOOD!

**Tales of Fluffy, the Albino (and Sometimes Toy) Cat…Nah, Only Kidding!**

**By Centauri Cruxis Angel and Cruxis Gypsy**

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Hah! Chapter Three, 'I NEED WOOD!'

Lloyd: Do you always need to say 'I NEED WOOD!' with that look on your face? It's scary. Really scary.

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Well, it's for effect!

Lloyd: Whine

Zelos: Am I the main focus? I know it's hard to try not to make me! Hee hee!

Cruxis Gypsy: No! Kratos being lost and the girls running off is mainly the focus of the chapter… Because your face scared them off!

Zelos: You wound me so deep… You're both beautiful women, though you both avidly ignore me…

Cruxis Gypsy: We manage.

Centauri Cruxis Angel: I like handsome guys…Sigh

Zelos: Hey… Sob

Cruxis Gypsy: Live with it. I'm so sorry that you guys have to put up with him…

Raine: It's sometimes hard… not to maim him where he stands…

Presea: True… I have to sometimes stop myself before its too late…

Sheena: Maybe it is good that we run off in this chapter…

Genis: Ahh hem. Time to read the disclaimer…

**Disclamier: I do own the idea of 'Mummies Ate Your Cat: The Fluffy Trilogy', but we both don't own 'Stingose®' and any part of 'ToS', including Kratos' underwear (Damn), Yuan's hair, Genis, Bob and the recipe of 'Tuna and Mushroom Risotto' and any brand names during this story, no matter how much we hope, whine, and beg. **

**3. -I NEED WOOD-**

Continuing from the last chapter, where our undernourished group had so far unsuccessfully attempted a go at 'Squirrel Fishing' and had sent a delusional and Java fuelled Colette to get supplies from Meltokio, they now trekked on, foot bunions and all to find the legendary lost-link of the summon spirit world…

'I'm hot!' Zelos whined. 'I'm tired. I'm hungry. I need a shower. I need a facial. I need the little boy's room. I need women. I need pleasure. I need a hair tie. I need a massage. I need second breakfast. I need 'Stingose®'. I need a tetanus jab. I need a piggy back. I need a hug…' 'I need tranquiliser.' Kratos' eyelid twitched at Zelos' constant complaints. He had for the last four hours he been dreaming up ways that Zelos could be easily shut up without the legal work. They had been trekking for another three days and everyone's tempers had been running high. It seemed that the humid jungle that they had now been walking in hadn't done anything for them, except to their hair. The humidity had now landed most of them on a bad hair day, effecting Zelos, Raine and Genis the most, between them, a good sized 'fro. A brush was still lodged in Raine's, a reminder of her frazzled nerves. She had named their condition _Biggious Hairdois Mattifetium._

'Hey, I have an idea!' Lloyd chimed, who had had the last of Genis' coffee, with hours of tedious bargaining, Lloyd had to give Genis Presea's hair tie. Luckily Presea couldn't use it now that her hair had grown so big. 'Let's sing 'the Song That Never Ends!' 'No…Noooo, NO!' Kratos forewarned Lloyd before he could start singing the annoying and repetitive lines of complete boredom. Lloyd was now encouraged to be more annoying. 'Can I? Huh, huh, huh, Kratos can I? Ohhh! It's all gone! All gone…' Lloyd became dazed because of his coffee spurned sugar rush. Kratos turned around, his eyes had gone cross-eyed because of the stress of not tying acorns to Lloyd and watching the elite commando squad of squirrels store him for winter. But instead of doing so he dropped to his knees, pointed into the sky and cried soulfully and desperately at the flying, blonde haired figure, 'Hark! An angel has come to save us all!' 'But Kratos…you're an angel.' Genis raised one eyebrow (he would have raised both but he had too much coffee the other day and now couldn't feel one side of his face). '…' Kratos was silently confused.

The wobbling figure started to descend in a violent dip and hurtled towards the group and landed squarely on Zelos. The group admired their luck and went to help Colette up and comment on her fabulous landing, which had at least bruised Zelos badly. Colette had been holding a rather large sack and now in a dazed state, was still holding it. 'Oh wow! I like, got edible stuff!' Colette giggled as her companions tried to ease the sack out of her deadly angel grip.

'That's nice Colette…' Cooed Raine, violently tugging at the bag, 'now can we see what you got?' Colette looked dazed. 'Hee hee…' she staggered off guided by Bob, her invisible pixie friend. The team tore into the bag, only to almost kark it by what they saw. It was filled with food tins…but all empty, except for one tin of sardines.

This was too much for Kratos. He dropped to his knees yet again, 'NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(wheeze)-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

He vainly grasped the sack and sobbed pitifully into it, making the girls (other than Colette who was having fun in pixie land) see the sack as a rival for the Seraphim's attention and they all made plots to do away with it. The group were speechless. '…' They all said. Colette flounced over with a crudely constructed daisy-chain around her neck. She eyed the sack and pouted. 'Hmm…Bob must have gotten hungry on the way back. He's such a naughty pixie! Hee hee!' She then did a crazy dance and tripped over a mossy log. Zelos was amazingly quiet for a few minutes as the rest of the group mourned for their lost 'Pringles®' and 'Java®' coffee, until he said, 'Sooo…Who's up for squirrel?'

Later, after the whole group had to work together laying particularly placed toasted acorns to tempt Kratos away from the sack, which then Raine had chucked onto the fire and rejoiced at its passing, had started their group duties. Lloyd just had to be Lloyd and look overly thoughtful about something, though all that was running through his head was 'Javajavajavajavajava…' Raine and Genis were avidly studying, though actually behind their thick and dusty encyclopaedias, Raine was reading 'Men are from Derris Kharlan, Women are from Venus' and Genis was reading "'Mummies ate Your Cat- The Fluffy Trilogy'" Movie guide. Zelos was also reading a thick book, but if anyone paid any attention to him they would realise that he was reading it upside down, and actually reading 'Hypnotic Pick-up Lines for Beginners'. After reaching chapter nine 'Eye Movements for Instant Agreements', he got up to search for Colette who was most probably dancing in 'Fairy Circles' with Bob. Presea was thinking up a good charm for luck, especially in squirrel hunting, and had thought of an acorn with the magic angel words of _'eat me'_ engraved on it. Sheena was meanwhile busying herself with her 'Hurtful Things to Say to Zelos' notes and thinking about what flimsy top she would wear tomorrow, which would inspire Zelos to say something. Little did he know that she was ready for him! 'MUHAHAHA!' She thought. Regal at the moment was practicing his Tai-Chi, but nobody knew that he was avidly reminiscing about Alicia and a super-sized, pan-style pepperoni pizza.

Kratos on the other hand had drawn the short straw and had to fetch firewood for the group. As he muttered and cursed to himself, he tried to look for some good sized logs, though quite amazingly he couldn't find any. 'Damn!' The Angel kicked a teensy-weensy stick near his foot in anger, sending it straight into a white ant nest where they nibbled on it. 'Yummy' the ant's concluded and scurried off. Kratos stormed off into a nearby clearing, squishing several defenceless daisies on his way there. Though in the middle of the clearing was a light from heaven (Welegia) during a movie premier, for Kratos. A pile of perfect firewood sticks' rested there. Kratos, dropping his guard, he ran to the sticks but fell for the oldest trick in the book. For as he ran to his beloved twigs, a particular placed stick, shaped very much like a rake, halted his progress, for as Kratos unknowingly stepped on the 'head' part of the 'stick rake' it sprung up and hit him straight in the face. Stunned Kratos fell to the ground, swearing and clutching at his sore shnoz. 'Oh…#!' yelled Kratos. He angrily got up yet again and approached the sticks; though only yet again fall for the same trick. 'Oh…# and #!' He cried, lying on the ground and wallowing in self-pity, until he passed out in a puddle of his own drool.

Meanwhile Zelos was looking for Colette, after failing several times to look down Sheena's top and feel Raine's arse. He found her, and Bob, but Zelos didn't see Bob. Being invisible could of led to this, though being unseeable to the human eye has its downsides, as Bob was about to discover. Zelos approached and sat down on a comfy looking stump, but little did he know that someone else was occupying that very stump as well. Colette turned around and screamed, 'NOOOOOO! BOB!' and charged at Zelos, knocking him off his seat and carefully hoisting an invisible, but obviously badly maimed, Bob. For now Bob had experienced a place where no sane-minded person would explore; Zelos' bum crack, and lets just say, he wasn't going to recover mentally from that experience. Colette cradled Bob to her and sobbed for her now pan-cake like companion. Zelos, though dazed and relatively horny, hobbled over to Colette and said 'There, there, my angel…he'll err…' Zelos being unable to see Bob made a guess to his condition, while trying unsuccessfully to look down Colette's top. 'He'll…err…recover, umm, he only got slightly hurt…' Colette looked wistfully at Zelos, 'Do you think Zelos? I hope so too…Though why is his head at such a funny angle?' Zelos gulped and quickly formulated a plan. 'Oh look! A pretty colour!' He pointed wildly. Colette looked around franticly, 'Where Zelos?' While Colette looked for the pretty colour, Zelos grabbed what he believed to be Bob's pointy-toed shoe and chucked him into a tree, where a particularly rabid commando squirrel grabbed the invisible pixie and went to store him for winter. Colette, now fed up of trying to find the pretty colour, turned back to see that Bob had disappeared. Almost on the verge of tears, Colette asked, 'Zelos…Where's Bob?' Zelos, now narked that Colette was paying no attention to him and instead just caring about an invisible fairy, sat back down on the log and almost fell off in his anger. 'Look here Colette, Bob…Bob's gone for a holiday…a ver-y lon-g holiday, and won't be back until…' Zelos thought of an impossible situation. 'Err…until you are kidnapped by unicorns bent on world domination…' Colette nodded dazed and confused on where Bob could have got his passport, and if he had gone to the land of Milk and Honey without her. Zelos, watching Colette slowly becoming cross-eyed with the stress of thinking too hard, now let his eyes wander until he spied something appetising behind her. No, amazingly he wasn't being a pervert like usual and looking at Colette's arse; instead he had spotted a tasty patch of mushrooms. Though unlike normal mushrooms these were neon-pink and orange, with golden swirls on them, but Zelos was colour-blind, so what did he care? And little did he know that his forest green outfit was baby and coral pink, and orange, and that he had never asked anyone the colour. But going of the topic of Zelos, Colette had given Zelos the name of these magical mushrooms. 'They're Magic!' Giggled Colette, dancing around crazily with a mushroom in her hand, 'and they're mushrooms!' She flapped her arms madly and sung, 'They're Magi-Magi-Magi-Magi-cal Mushy Rooms' then collapsed on the ground due to her short-lived musical sugar-rush. Zelos shrugged. They couldn't be that bad tasting, so he grabbed a handful and dragged a now-in-pixie-land Colette back to camp.

'Mmmm…that smells great Zelos!' The group after much of doing nothing had settled down for dinner that Zelos was precariously making. 'What is it?' 'Err…Tuna and…mushroom risotto…' Little did Regal know that it was actually sardine and magical mushroom mush! Regal sniffed the pot again, only to inhale too hard and suck a fly up his nose. Luckily for the fly it had gone through the situation of having a monkey-brained human snuff it, so it acrobatically manoeuvred through Regal's nasal passage, in his skull, then out through the ear canal. Regal didn't notice that the fly had made a detour inside of his noggin so when he heard a buzzing in his head; he thought it was the beginning effects of a migraine and lay down for a 'man-nap'. Lloyd looked around suddenly. 'Hey where's Kratos?' Everyone looked around in shock, for the mana-smelling angel. All the girls started worrying then realised that they shouldn't be worrying because he was an invincible angel. And what would Tales of Symphonia be without Kratos; I mean he made the main character for spanking mankey-ing sakes! But nonetheless the girls worried and sought comfort with Zelos' meal. 'Mmmm! This IS good!' said Raine, the rest of the girls nodded in agreement. 'It has a strange flavour…I can't put my finger on it…' Presea looked thoughtful. 'Hee hee hee! It's magical!' added Colette, forebodingly accurate for what was in it.

'Oh! Can we have some?' asked Genis and Lloyd, while creating a slobbering-pool with their drool. 'Hmmmmm…' Raine's eyes then bulged. 'Man-eating quiche!' The two young boys ran off and hid in their sleeping bags with their teddies, with the fear of being eaten by most men's most disliked dish. Unfortunately there was no man-eating quiche, but Zelos was hurt by Sheena when he sneaked up behind her to feel her arse, but at that moment she flicked her hair back and precisely hit Zelos in his most treasured items. …No! For all you sick-minded people out there she hit his hair rollers, which flicked out of his hair at the speed of Mach, circled the entire world and came back and hit him in the face. He then went to sleepy-boo land. A little later the girls did too, but much less painfully. Yet the foreboding mush being digested in their tum's was soon to be a much larger problem than their ingestion…

Next morning the male half of the team awoke to a beautiful bird-song. The bird was then briefly, but violently ill. Regal took note. 'Hark, thine is a bad sign of when the willy-woodpecker tosses trice upon thine old oak, It tis a herald of Dhoom.' The rest of the rather smelly boys (ahem), recoiled in overdramatic shock. Though not at Regal's ye olden English warning, but a pile of women's clothing. Zelos did a quick River Dance in glee and toppled over into the clothing pile, where he started to giggle like a little girl. 'Ohhhh! Lets hide it so they don't have any clothes! Or we can mark it with our own manly scent so the girl who wears it is our own…' Zelos then became cross-eyed and murmured, 'Itsssss ourssssss, my ownsssss…my precioussssss'. He then started rocking back and forward in a delusional like state. 'Hey what's this?' Genis picked up a large neon flashing sign powered by Volt, who was running on a hamster wheel. The sign read.

_If you come to find us, death will come swiftly._

_We have decided we do not need the inferior half of our races anymore._

_Oh and we stole Zelos' credit card for strappy and flimsy Xena outfits._

_Cheerio,_

_The Gals._

They were thoughtful for a few seconds. 'I think I…ummm, I mean…we should find them…' said Zelos thinking of the well bought outfits.

Zelos: HEHEHEHEHEHE! Xena! Drool Leather…

Cruxis Gypsy: What have we done? We've created a monster! Aggghhhhh!

Everyone: Aggghhhhh!

Genis: You don't want to see it when he's high on natural yogurt and randy.

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Aggghhhhh! Ohh…err…so…what did everyone think?

Raine: I think I don't want to read the next chapter…especially with those outfits in it.

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Oh don't worry! We make up for it with hurting Zelos lots.

Cruxis Gypsy: Yay! We're gonna hurt Pronyma later too!

Everyone: Yay!

Pronyma: Boo!

Kratos: I have to ask something.

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Yes cutie?

Kratos:…Err…whine……Uhh sorry…What am I just doing lying in the forest?

Centauri Cruxis Angel: Hugghhh, drool yummy. Kratos alone in the forest… Ohh…err, I mean…you get captured by…

Cruxis Gypsy: Native Pygmy Sticks!

Kratos: Pfftt. Utter tosh!

Cruxis Gypsy Centauri Cruxis Angel: MUHAHAHAHA! We have EVAL plans for you Mr. Aurion!

Centauri Cruxis Angel: And mine includes hot oil massages…opps, I mean……………… ………eval……………stuff.

(Both run out throwing flowers and waltzing with squirrels)

Kratos: …Whine (Hugs teddy bear) Uhh…if you want RR this, well at least give me messages of support…pretty please?


End file.
